...and who am I?

I thought I’d be able to get over it. It’s been 4 months since it happened. Four months since everything I thought I was fell apart. The more I think about it, I’m not sure if I liked the person I’d become. I’d changed when I got to school, concerned about having friends, keeping some form of reputation and making sure it stayed that way. It wasn’t my main priority, but it the fact that it was one scares me a bit. I’d been paid attention to and given some sort of power over people for the first time in my life, and while I can blame others, I singlehandedly destroyed myself. I can blame them all I want, and I still do, but I still didn’t see who I was surrounding myself with. They aren’t good people It just took me 7 months to see it.

My roommate almost died. She wasn’t breathing. One of my(and hers) best friends tells me to get help, and I do, while everyone else is yelling at me not to be stupid.

When the police came, I answered one simple question, just saying where she’d been.

Three days later, the night before apartment sign-ups, my future roommates tell me that I can’t live with them.

My best friend at school, the one who told me to get help, is just as mad as everyone else. I’m the one blamed for everything that went wrong and all the troubles that ensued.

I faced vandalism of my room, my computer was hacked when I’d left to go home for the weekend and had been turned off. A facebook group in my name.

I’ve recovered, but I’m still kind of afraid to go back. I’m living with some truly great people who I look up to, but I don’t know what to do when I see the people I lived with. I’m honestly petrified. Not of school, but seeing them. These people were my closest friends, people I went out with every weekend, football games, partied with and had some of the best times of my life with. Now I can only think with disdain for every one of them and every memory.

I can’t let it go, not because I’m upset, but because I’ve gotten over the sadness and devastation. I’m just pissed.


“Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting”

I've officially decided the past week never happened.

If it never happened, then I won't have realized that I had feelings for someone I can't have.

Oh well then fuck.


Fuck you for being a good friend. When one of your good friends is gone for 6 weeks and shows up early and wants to hang out, I should be okay with that.

I'm not, but he doesn't know that.

Why is my life so ridiculous? Why am I becoming so pathetic?

I honestly cannot remember if merely thinking about a boy has caused this much of a strong reaction. It scares the crap out of me.

Any close friend of mine might say I can be boy crazy. I like them. I think they’re cute. Kissing them is fun too. I won’t lie. But it’s not that often I really like someone.

The only two people I can compare this feeling to are Kyle and Nick. Kyle started off as a crush and only got stronger over the course of 2 years, not to mention he caused too much drama for his own good so I don’t imagine I would have let myself react this strongly, even if I felt as so. If I could control it, I guess that says something.

Nick I feel like I remember having really strong feelings for, but I don’t remember a heart jumping out of my chest-lungs unable to breathe sort of feeling. Maybe I was just so racked by anxiety because of having to keep the non-existant relationship we kinda-sorta had secret.

Phil causes me actual stress. When I got off the phone with him the other night I nearly died. I forgot I had his bracelets on one day and noticed, and just now when I looked at his facebook for maybe a second too long. My chest seizes and it’s hard to breathe for a good ten seconds. When I think about it too long, it’s a mix between hyperventaliating and a panic attack. I’m kind of scared, but not for my health.

I’ve never felt this way before, and it means I can get hurt again, possibly worse than ever. Kyle devastated me and probably changed my outlook on men for the rest of my life. Nick was just so impossible it could never happen for so many reasons, so knowing that helped.

I’m kind of disgusted by myself. If anyone else wrote this I’d think they’re crazy, and maybe I am. I have to double check and make sure I don’t call him too often, fearing that I come off as well..crazy. We’re still really good friends.

But despite all of this, I can’t stop thinking about him.

And I’m seeing him tonight. =)


EDIT: Posted April 30th:
"Not to mention I have this slightly unhealthy attraction to Phil since he's A)attractive and B)an AMAZING person.

Unhealthy because A)There's kind of this girlfriend issue by the name of Monica
B)Monica's adorable and I love her still.
C)Sean's best friend. ..awkwarddddd. "

Monica is no longer, but wow.



So I that's my life right now. Eat your heart out.

Here's a few tidbits of things I wrote the other night. They're not supposed to flow or necessarly appear anywhere near each other in a peice of writing. They were just thoughts written creatively, I suppose.

"She laid there, still, feeling as if she moved a single muscle she’d inadvertently ruin everything that had occurred. Her night had been as perfect as far as she could remember, and so the unclear nature of her memories let her believe in perfection. "

"Hangovers are not a pleasant experience. I'd deal with my stomach, liver, and coincidentally my uterus attacking my midsection simultaneously over the extensive period of time where one is forced to consider the events the night before in detail."

"As her eyes started to gain focus and the outside world became an imminent reality, all of the complications of last nights actions slowly started coming into focus as well. Hindsight is always 20/20. Clearly."


"They're the body's way of holding us captivity, a pennance of sorts. Regardless, it’s a surefire way for when someone loses all sense of a conscious the night before, they’re surely reminded of everything questionable over and over again the next day."

I love all of you and I wouldn't trade my friends for anything,
So what is wrong with us and is this really happening?
Sitting in puddle of spilled drinks and ashes from your cigarettes
We knew that tonight wouldn't be a night we'd soon forget.

Everyone knows we have too much love to spread around,
but I don' think they could have seen this coming.
What would they do if they could see us now?
That's the last thing on my mind,
'Cause I got you.

Started with a spell and ended with a stomach flu
I might not have expected this,
but I think it was overdue.
Truth is I needed you just as much you needed me.
You know I won't let go of that friendship so easily.

Everyone knows we have too much love to spread around,
but I don' think they could have seen this coming.
What would they do if they could see us now?
That's the last thing on my mind,
'Cause I got you.

Is it even possible to wake up if you never fell asleep?
Was last night real or just a really freaking awesome dream?
It was maddening, step back and watch the pieces fall
If i had the choice it never would have ended at all.

Everyone knows we have too much love to spread around,
but I don' think they could have seen this coming.
What would they do if they could see us now?
That's the last thing on my mind,
'Cuse I got you.




So last night was ridiculous. I keep piecing it together.
-Kissed a boy I've liked since the day I met him. Repeatedly. (only bad thing is it's my ex's best friend)
-Kissed a girl (not that epic but I just hadn't done it before)
-Skinny Dipped
-Truth or Dare/Spin The Bottle (We're 14 we know)
-Wawa at 4:30 AM (sober driver)
-Quick Chek at 4:45 AM (Wawa doesn't sell lottery tickets)
-smoked with said boy
-Had an awesome night with some of the best people in my life.

So in the past few days I've been reflecting back on this semester, and kind of on my life in general.

1st semester was amazing, but second semester, I won't lie, pretty much sucked.

Friends who I thought I could trust and potentially rely on for then next few years during my time here turned out not only people who aren't as good friends, but over all people I have trouble respecting. Hospitals and warrants were just the cherry on the cake the first night back after spring break.

And having all of it blamed on me? That was pretty cool.

Academics kind of killed me, considering I'm definitely failing Chem and possibly Statics.

RU Dems quickly became a huge part of my life, and for that I'm quite happy about. I've met some amazing people who I cannot wait to get to know even better. I see them 2 days a week without a doubt and lately It's been more frequent, which I really don't mind. They're just such a great group of people who actually have intellectual thoughts. Maybe thats 'elitist,' but continually having stimulating conversation not only about politics but life in general makes me feel like there is hope for the future of our generation.

I've been counting down the days until I go home, and for that I kind of feel the worst. I expected SO much out of the college experience, and maybe I overestimated it, so naturally I'd be kind of disappointed once I got over the high of it all. People have disappointed me. My Academic life has disappointed me, and then I had high expectations for E-Boards for SWE an RUDems, and neither of those happened, so I'm not really all that sure what to think anymore.

I've been the loneliest I've been in a long time, and I'm continually feeling kind of alone and overall rather discontent with life. I'm just so ready to go home.

It wasn't until I was really away from all the Montgomery people where I truely realized how much I appreciated them. They're overall amazing people, who truely care if everyone in the group is okay. I only came into the fold right after graduation, and it didn't seem to matter that much. When I saw them at Thanksgiving and over winterbreak, I was still invited to everything and even though Sean and I were broken up, it didn't matter.

Not to mention I have this slightly unhealthy attraction to Phil since he's A)attractive and B)an AMAZING person.

Unhealthy because A)There's kind of this girlfriend issue by the name of Monica
B)Monica's adorable and I love her still.
C)Sean's best friend. ..awkwarddddd.



So I guess that's kind of my life right now. Eat your heart out.

So while both intoxicated, I hooked up with my best guy friend and neighbor last night.

He doesn't remember, and I'm not going to remind him.

Last week you dumped me.

Well you didn't even dump me. We weren't even together yet.

We both live reasonably close together and close to school. (college)

I was home today and went to the mall to return something, finding a strange urge to go into A&F. I never shop there. I like the clothing, but it's so expensive. I know you work here, but I seriously thought you'd still be back at school. I never even thought you actually might be there.

So I go in and start browsing, and you come out of a dressing room. Fuck, you weren't even working. We just happened to be shopping there at the same time. I ended up buying a shirt because I didn't want you to think I went in looking to see if you were working. Checking out at the same time as you by chance was incredibly awkward. Especially when you barely even acknowledged I was there.

When I got home I realized why I wanted to go into A&F so much. My shirt smelled like the store, which smells like you.

You were an ass last week. You were an ass today. Although, retail therapy in Coach right next door did make me feel kind of better.

But god. I still want you.

If you're really that interested, don't ask me to come see you at obscene hours of the night where even though I could take the KnightBus, I'm not going to come see you. You did this all over break, telling me to come visit at late hours or when you knew I was too intoxicated to drive and wouldn't, and now that it's 2am you'll talk.

Where were you at 10 when I IMed and texted you, concerned about how your thing went tonight?

Are you trying to make me feel guilty about constantly saying no an that I can't/won't?

If I'm correct, you're the one who pretty much stood me up 2 weeks ago.




Yet, when I saw you today, my heart skipped a beat. I want to see you more than anything.

So why can't your schedule be clear for me sometime before 2 am?

Maybe my lack of sleep hasn't led me to think about you more.

Maybe I'm so afraid of screwing things up that I'm keeping myself from dreaming that it could actually happen.

So last night I was kind of tipsy.

Another girl at the party had been talking about how she had made out with girls before.

Next thing I know I'm hitting on her. Nothing came of it, as she had interest in someone else there already.

I've thought about girls before, but I've never actually done anything about it.

At one point though we got really close and she almost kissed me.


I really wish she did.

I don't understand why people think I'm pretty/hot/whatever.

In highschool nobody paid attention to me in or outside the actual school itself.

6 months later I'm fighting off guys. I never once thought that I'd ever experience this.

I don't think I'm ugly, but I don't think I'm attractive either.

And apparently I'm in the role of rejecting guys too. I've actively turned down 2 guys in the past week. So fucking strange.


This isn't me looking for compliments or anything. I'm just not used to this, or sure how to handle it all, so I'm kinda stressing, even if its a bit trival.

NEW YEARS QUIZ

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
yes

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
yes

3. New house?
I'll move into a suite with the girlies.

4. What will you do different in 08?
Unsure. Everything is pretty bangin.

5. New Years resolution?
Be less violent towards boys haha

6. What will you NOT be doing in 08?
Nothing's off the table.

7. Any trips planned?
Canada!!!

8. Wedding plans?
No

9. What's on your calendar?
Canada Jan 3rd-7th
Wicked Jan 9th!
Back to school Jan 20th

10. What can't you wait for?
More College.

11. What would you like to see happen different?
Higher GPA. functional relationship.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
Body maybe? Otherwise I like who I am. I'll change inevitably, but nothing intentional.

13. What happened in 07 that you didn't think would happen?
A lot of things. Boyfriend. Huge group of friends. (and constant male attention from boys in college?!) say what?!?)

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
Yes. Definitely. Girl time dictates such.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in 06?
Trends come and go. Of Course.

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
Haha. Quit.

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
I think it's pretty good.

18. Will you do charity work?
Definitely.

19. how old will you be when the ball drops next year?
19.

20. Will you be nice to people you don't know?
i try

21. Do you expect 08 to be a good year for you?
Yes. Better as hell be.

22. How much did you change from this time last year til now?
II changed with college, so I guess a lot.

23. Do you plan on having a child?
nope.

24.Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends
A lot of them I hope.

25. Major lifestyle changes?
Nope, except changing where I'm living.

26. Will you be moving?
Barr-->Home-->Suite!

28. What are your New Years Eve plans?
Phils and Tamis

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
Yup.

30. Wish for 2007?
Too many, but I like the way my life is right now, so none of them are really  huge wishes. I have what I want.

We met because I was there for my best friend, who liked you.

I'm really bad at being supportive, because I unintentionally flirted with you that day.

Now we're best friends and live a floor apart and have the same major at Rutgers.

And since you told me that the day we met you were wondering who my best friend's attractive friend was, I've been ecstatic.


I don't know why knowing I won that day w/o even trying makes me so happy, but it does.

So I'm not in a relationship with him. True. We have no obligations to each other. True again. In fact, I think he may have hooked up with someone else like 2-3 weeks ago still after we met, and that doesn't actually bother me b/c of the lack of commitment we have at the moment.

I went on a date with him last night. It was perfect. Everything about it.

So why did I kiss you tonight? Why was it I could only think of him the whole time.

And why did I keep going?

I feel so guilty.

I feel so guilty over a relationship I don't even have.

But the fact that we're probably going to start one once we get back from break makes me feel like shit.

Ugh.

I read CNN.com regularly not just because I want to know what's going on in the world, but because I'm hoping something big happens, even if it's bad. 

When I tell you that I've been thinking about you a lot lately, 'I can tell" is not what you're supposed to say, followed by "=/"

That makes me sad. That makes me think you've been leading me on all this time and I've been getting mixed messages all along, and you're more just tolerating my texts and IMs, (since we're home from college and can't see each other)

This makes me seriously doubt my ability to have a relationship.


(as I type this...)


and don't wait 10 minutes and go "I've been thinking about you a lot too"

Although it makes me quite happy, throwing me for a loop is not cool.

I'm about to enter a relationship with you, and I'm kind of upset this means I can't hook up with him when we're home for break.

I'd never cheat, but til about 2 weeks ago, it had kind of been something I was looking forward to. He's such a good kisser, you know?

You know how on Grey's Anatomy(and real life) they have to drill into people's skulls every once and a while to relieve the pressure in their head.

Yeah I kinda need that right now.

When I'm stressed I get not exactly headaches, but just this constant pressure. It makes me lose focus..I can't work..and the cycle just makes things worse.

Still happy, but stressed.